Gladys (90 years old) and Leslie
(88 years old) have two sins: smoking and bridge. When people say
something about how unhealthy it is to smoke, Leslie has her answer
ready: "Why? do you think it will make me die young?" Gladys approves,
and she thinks there are worse habits, such as men: "Look what happened
to poor Ann, dying so young at 83, changing boyfriends every Monday and
Thursday."
They played the deal below against Harry, the club's champion.
"Beware, Gladys! It's the club champion we are playing against now. Hi
Harry, how are you?” said Leslie loudly.
"Well, what good is it to be the best in the club when none of you
girls want to date with me," grumbled Harry.
"Staying away from men is our secret for a long happy life," retorted
Leslie.
"And what is the use of a long life if you don't enjoy it? I would give
my club title for a 'YES' from any of you," smiled Harry.
East - West vulnerable, dealer West:
"What is 1NT here, by passed hand?" asked Harry.
"It's 7-10 points and at least 5 diamonds and 4 spades," said Leslie
loudly, then whispered to Harry, taking advantage of her partner's bad
hearing:
"Assuming Gladys remembers our agreements".
"What?!" shouted Gladys. "Nothing dear, just explaining our bids to
Harry," said Leslie.
"You are not flirting, are you?" said Gladys so loud, that all clubs
eyes turned towards them.
"She is, finally!" answered Harry quickly.
Gladys lead the ♠K and continued with the ♠Q when Harry played low. He
won the ♠A and stopped to think: Likely West has some diamond values,
which means both the ♣K and the ♥K
are probably with East. If he could manage to avoid any heart losers,
he would still have 2 club and 2 diamond losers, plus the spade he
already lost = 5 losers. But then he had an idea.
A great idea, assuming diamonds are indeed 5-2 and assuming East has ♦Kx, or... even Qx...
He called for the ♥Q
from dummy, and won the ♥A
when the ♥K
appeared with East. Then he played the ♦A
and when both opponents followed low he continued with a heart to
dummy's ♥J (hearts
were 2-2) and with a spade ruff.
And now came the moment of glory:
Low diamond from hand, all set to let East win her last diamond honor
(when West plays low), being end-played into either playing a club to
dummy's ♣AQ or concede a ruff/sluff in spade.
But... with no hesitation... or any thinking... Gladys played the ♦K, smashing her partner's ♦Q, cashed the ♦J next and continued with
the ♣9.
Harry tried low club, but Leslie followed with the ♣8 and another club
from West doomed the contract.
Harry was shaken, and impressed too: "That was very well done, girls!
You Crocodile Couped me on that one! Where did you learn the Crocodile
Coup anyway?"
Not really realizing what she actually did, Gladys asked visibly
confused: "Crocodile Coup, did you say?"
"Yes, the ♦K and ♦J are the Crocodile's
jaws. You could play the ♦6,
♦8 or ♦J to win the trick cheap.
But you jumped up with the ♦K, swallowing you partner's ♦Q
and then you were able to cash the ♦J
too."
After the game was over, they went out of the club. "This new club
restriction against smoking is killing me. I feel I can't breathe. Give
me one of your Camels," said Gladys.
Leslie took a pack of Camel out of her bag, pulled out two cigarettes
and they each smoked in silence for few minutes, enjoying the
moment.
"Crocodile coup, Vienna coup, Scissors coup... There was this lecture
from what's his name about the 10 coups. What else will they invent on
this game?" said Gladys. Leslie just nodded approvingly as it started
to rain.
"Damn it! You can't even smoke in peace. God's restrictions against
smoking too". Leslie took something out of her bag, tore the cover,
revealing a piece of gummy looking item and rolled it over her
cigarette with a wide smile. "What is that?!" asked Gladys. "That is
the newest great invention. A condom! Look! It's written here: 'For
Protection!'," said Leslie.
"A condom? Never heard of it. But the one who invented it should get a
Nobel prize, especially in this terrible weather. We should call this
'The Camel Coup'," said Gladys, and they both burst into laughter.
"Sorry dear, that was my last, but you can get them at the pharmacy
these days," said Leslie. "How strange! I thought the creeps running
those hate smoking," said Gladys.
The next day she went to the drugstore first thing in the morning.
"Yes Mam, how can I help you?"
"I would like 30 condoms," said Gladys. The pharmacy assistant almost
fell off his feet. After few moments of silence where he tried to pull
himself together, he dared: "May I ask how old you are Mam?"
Gladys burst: "Don't you lecture me on smoking, young man. I am old
enough to be your great-grandmother. Now give me those condoms before I
file an official complaint!"
"Sure thing Mam, no offense. Please, what size would you like?"
Gladys was puzzled: "They have these in sizes you say? Eh... No matter,
as long as it fits my Camel..."
